Obama the Noob — A Gamer’s Parody

Overheard in Guild Wars: (an online MMO)

General Chat: Obama the Healer: Monk looking for group for mission.

Team chat: Hillary the Warrior: Cool, there’s a healer LFG. Add him. We need a healer for this dungeon.

Team chat: CampaignMan: He looks like a noob. No elite armor. Prolly never done the mission before.

General chat: Hillary the Warrior: Group lf healer who knows the mission. No noobs.

(Private message): Obama the Healer: Take me.
(Private message): Hillary the Warrior: Hey dude, u know what you’re sposed to do?
(Private messager): Obama the Healer: Sure. Add me.

Obama the Healer has joined your team.

Obama the Healer: Hey.
Hillary the Warrior: Hey.
CampaignMan: ‘Sup
SuperDelRanger: Heya.
SuperDelNecromancer: Hey.
SuperDelNuker: Nice.

Hillary the Warrior: K, let’s get clear before we start. We’re taking all the chaos demons down, group by group. Ranger, pull on my signal. I’ll take the aggro — I’ve got the best defense, and I can do massive AoE with my axe. Anyway, there’s nothing they can throw at me that they haven’t thrown before. Casters stay back, and nuke any adds.

Obama the Healer: Just a moment. I’m not sure I agree. In fact, I propose we change that strategy. Change is good.

Hillary the Warrior: Er, I’m the leader of this group. I’ve got the experience.

Obama the Healer: All I’m suggesting is that we work together closely, as a cohesive team. There’s no reason to aggro every enemy. We might be able to negotiate with some of those demons if we approach them carefully.

Hillary the Warrior: WTF, man, r u kidding me?

Obama the Healer: Hey, chill. Just trying to put forward some inspirational new ideas.

Hillary the Warrior: You wanna negotiate with fire-breathing chaos demons doing 9500 DPS?

CampaignMan: This is why I hate PuGs.

Obama the Healer: Or maybe we just could slip around them, avoiding their aggro circles. My point is, if we work together, we needn’t aggro every foe in the dungeon.

Hillary the Warrior: Duh, I’ve done this before, like 35 times. How many times have you done this mission, monk?

Obama the Healer: Well, actually, I’ve never done it, but I’ve studied it extensively. I’m convinced that the best way to avoid a party wipe is to bring a fresh perspective to the mission. It’s not just about you, the tank. It’s about the entire team working together. We’re infinitely stronger united than divided.

CampaignMan: I told you he was a noob. Kick him.

SuperDelRanger: Wait, he’s kinda got a point. We did wipe last time we tried.

SuperDelNecromancer: We can’t go in without a healer.

Hillary the Warrior: Ok, so it’s true we wiped last time, but I’ve learned a lot from that mistake. I’ve got it figured out now, every detail. I have a complete policy brief on this dungeon. Follow my lead and I’ll keep you all safe. In fact, I’m making you a solemn promise that you won’t accumulate any DP.

SuperDelRanger: U can’t guarantee that, man. This dungeon is pretty tough, and there’s no good exit strategy.

Obama the Healer: I’ve analyzed the mission, too, and I believe that it’s our attitude that counts. Our commitment. If I were in charge of this team, I’d never have brought us into this mission in the first place; in fact, I voted against it. But we’re here now, so let’s clasp our hands and fill our hearts with shining new resolve. Together, we can do this.

SuperDelNecromancer: We can?

Obama the Healer: Yes, we can!

SuperDelRanger: Dude, I like what I’m hearing. Let’s get on Vent and discuss it.

Hillary the Warrior: Man, I don’t believe this. I’m the leader. I’ve got the experience. I’m ready from Gate 1 of this dungeon. Even if you called me at 3 am I’d be ready to lead you through this dungeon!

CampaignMan: Just kick Obama the Noob.

SuperDelRanger: Do not kick him. There’s no other healers in the area. You know how hard it is to find someone who wants to heal instead of fight!

Obama the Healer: I’d be happy to get on Vent with you. I LOVE Vent — it’s perfect for me….I get really eloquent on Vent. My voice will fill you with hope and inspiration.

SuperDelNecromancer: kk, I’m starting up Vent.

Hillary the Warrior: Enough! We don’t need Vent. Let’s just do this. I know the mission, I’m calling the strategy. Follow my plan or find another team.

SuperDelRanger: Hillary won’t use Vent because if we hear each other’s voices, everybody’ll know she’s a girl.

Hillary the Warrior: STFU!

SuperDelNuker: No way. Hillary the Warrior’s a girl?

SuperDelNecromancer: Whoa. There’re no girls on the internet. Not gamers, anyhow.

Obama the Healer: I played with a girl once. She wasn’t very good, though.

Hillary the Warrior: Sexist idiot!!1! Girls gamers kick ass.

SuperDelNuker: Are you really a girl, Hillary? Jeez, no wonder we wiped last time. Dump her. Let’s follow Obama and do this thing.

SuperDelRanger: Obama FTW!

****
Non-geek gamer glossary:

noob (newb, newbie): new to the game and/or incompetent as a player
LFG: looking for group
aggro: to draw the fire of an aggressive foe
AoE: area of effect damage (several foes harmed at once)
nuke: ranged damage, often done by magic attacks
adds: additional foes entering the fight
PuG: pick-up group
DPS: damage per second
party wipe: everybody in the party is killed by the foes.
DP: death penalty
Vent: internet voice software used by gamers.
kick: throw someone off the team
STFU: expletive telling someone to shut up.
FTW: for the win